


Romeo and Jules

by Probably_an_idiot



Category: Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: Based off of real people, Don't judge us for this??, F/M, FIGHT ME YOU JELLYFISH, It's funny though???, It's really strange, Modern Retelling, Romeo and Jules, Sorry our friends are weird, This is the most important thing we've ever done, Which says a lot about us, bear with me, benny - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 03:36:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11546661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Probably_an_idiot/pseuds/Probably_an_idiot
Summary: A Modern retelling of the classic play by William Shakespeare.Two stupid angsty teens fall in love and everything goes downhill from there. But they have cool side characters! Not everything is terrible!





	Romeo and Jules

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Romeo and Juliet](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/308706) by William Shakespeare. 



> So, Bear with us, the slang used in this is ridiculous,, For example, you will see the phrase "wet napkin" more than once. Just know, all "typos" were intentional (Mostly used to set mood)
> 
> Most of the characters are also nicknamed. If you don't know who a character is supposed to be, just comment and I'll let you know.
> 
> We don't know when the next act will be up, but hopefully before the year is out. It takes quite a while to translate shakespearean literature into modern memey slang.
> 
> Side note: When you see characters called the Dydes, keep in mind that we misspelled Dudes, and just went with it.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Sk8 Fast And Eat Ass!
> 
> P.S. Everyone loves Angie. She's wildly inappropriate but she's the best.

PROLOGUE

_ These frekin’ families are fighting again, in this fair city of Verona. The Italian city, NOT the RV. We all know you love the RV, but sometimes you gotta let it go! Anywho, these families have been at it for quite a while, bringing everybody into their STUPID DRAMA! Two unlucky, stupid, angsty teens murder themselves. _

**Voice from the beyond:** I’m pretty sure it’s called suicide!

_ Hey you shut up! I only pay you to look pretty and stand there, not CORRECT ME! NOW DO YOUR JOB! Anyways, families are enemies, blah, blah, blah. Deaths occur. . . It’s like. . . two hours maybe? Try to get through it and. .  . y’know whatever. _

 

* * *

 

 

ACT I,1

 

**Sam:** Yo, Greg, We’re not gonna take their garbage anymore

**Greg:** Nah, cos then we’d be garbage men.

**Sam:** No, I mean we gotta fight back.

**Greg:** Well, If you’re gonna fight, you’re gonna die.

**Sam:** If I’m upset, they wouldn’t even see me coming

**Greg:** Well you’re not really easily provoked

**Sam:** Those stupid Montagues provoke me.

**Greg:** You would  _ totally  _ run away when the Montagues came around

**Sam:** I could take ‘em. Those Montagues’ moves are weak. 

**Greg:** You’re weak to want to kill the weak.

**Sam:** You’re right, girls are weaker, so they have to be protected all the time. That’s why the Montagues are just like girls.

**Greg:** This isn’t about the girls. Sounds like you’ve got a case of  _ stick-it-to-the-man-itis. _

**Sam:** I’ll kill the montagues myself. I’ll go after the guys, then take the heads of the girls.

**Greg:** “The heads of the girls?”

**Sam:** Yeah, or I’ll give them head. Whatever I feel like.

**Greg:** Yeah, they’ll  _ feel it.  _ Knowhatimean?

**Sam:** I mean, I’m a pretty good catch.

**Greg:** Nah, man. If a  _ sardine _ is a good catch 

[Taps **Sam** on the shoulder] 

Oh dude, here come the Montagues

[Enter **Abram** and a **servingman** ]

**Sam:** Don’t even trip, dawg. My weapon’s out.

**Greg:** What, you gonna turn your back and run?

**Sam:** _ No, dude,  _ I’m gonna stick by you.

**Greg:** Nah, I’ll bet you go running.

**Sam:** Don’t worry, they’ll start it.

**Greg:** Watch me frown at ‘em. Then we’ll see what happens.

**Sam:** Nah, I’ve got a way better idea. I’ll bite my thumb as we pass them.

[He bites his thumb]

**Abram:** Hey, you biting your thumb at us?

**Sam [Aside to Greg]:** will I get in trouble if I say yes?

**Greg [Aside to Sam]:** Yeah, dude.

**Sam:** Nah, man. But I am doin’ it.

**Greg:** You wanna fight?

**Abram:** Fight you? No way, dude.

**Sam:** Yeah, but . . . if you did, I’d do it. I’d fight you right here. I’m as good as you are.

**Abram:** Not any better

**Sam:** Exsqueeze me?!

[Enter **Benny** ]

**Greg:** Don’t fight, dude. An actual Montague’s coming.

**Sam:** I’m better

**Greg:** Dude what?

**Abram:** You serious right now? Nuh-uh!

**Sam:** If you’re a man, then fight me! Greg, you better help.

**Benny:** Dudes stop!

[Draws]

Put your swords away, we don’t want any trouble

[Enter **Tibbles** ]

**Tibbles:** FIGHT ME BENNY!!!![wITH FULL!!!]

**Benny:** What the heck, ya stanky! Stop. I’m tryna keep these wet napkins from fightnin’ 

**Tibbles:** But you have your weapon out. IRONIC [Force on the “Ironic”]

I hate not fighting. Almost as much as I hate you. FIGHT ME YOU JELLYFISH

[They fight]

[Enter citizens with weapons]

**Citizens:** FIGHT FIGHT FHGTFIGHUIT FHOUIGH*TOIH

[Enter **Mr. Capulet** and **Mrs. Capulet** ]

**Mr. Capulet:** Geez what’s all this racket ya whippersnappers. Somebody fetch me my pistol!

**Mrs. Capulet:** Wouldn’t you prefer a cane, you old croon?

[Enter **Mr. Montague** and **Mrs. Montague** ]

**Mr. Capulet:** My pistol, you wench! I’m gonna frekin’ kill that Montague

**Mr. Montague:** If it isn’t Mr. Capulet. Somebody hold me back!

**Mrs. Montague:** You better not fight those guys.

[Enter **Prince Escape Key** ]

**Escape key:** You guys have to stop fighting. I’m sick of your stupid shit over god knows what. You’re disrupting the peace here in Verona. Every fight is dangerous for the citizens. You’re TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!

**Mr. Montague:** Oh shut it you distant relative.

**Escape Key:** I MEAN IT AS A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION FOR THIS CITY, YOU MONSTER!

I’m saying it here and now, Quit your shit. I’m not dealing with this anymore. I swear to the highest powers of the universe, I  _ will  _ murder you both. This feud needs to end. YOU'RE MAKING ME NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE ANYMORE! Having said that, Mr. Capulet, come with me. Mr. Montague, come this afternoon. We’re talking this out. THIS IS ENDING. GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!

[Exit **Prince Escape Key** ]

**Mr. Montague [To Benny]:** Who started this gosh darn fight? Were you there when it started?

**Benny:** It was a noice day, and there were your guys fightin’ with some of Cap’s guys, and I thought to myself Oh, dang, better go break them up. Then out of NOWHERE, Tibbles shows up, weapon in hand, and frekin screams FIGHT ME! He called me a Jellyfish.  _ A JELLYFISH! _ The fight didn’t stop until Escape whatever showed up.

**Mrs. Montague:** Where’s Romeo? Have you seen him today? I’m so glad he wasn’t in this one.

**Benny:** I saw him at the break of dawn, BEFORE THE EARTH WAS ALIVE. He looked all sad, and whatnot, so I was like, “yo dude, what up?” And he went frekin’ running, and I didn’t really feel like chasing after him so I kinda just . . let him run.

**Mr. Montague:** Gosh, he does this every day. He comes home way early, crying like a baby, sad as all heck, but even though it’s like, a nice day outside, he just shuts himself in his room all day. Weird, man, I know. He won’t even talk to us. Such an angsty teen. HOW DOES HE EVEN RUN IN THOSE SKINNY JEANS???

**Benny:** Why?

**Mr. Montague:** I don’t even know, and he won't tell me so . . Heck, I guess.

**Benny:** Hoh dang.

[Enter **Romeo** ]

**Benny:** Here he comes. Ya better get goin. He don’t wanna talk to ya.

**Mr. Montague:** Like I wanna be around that wet napkin anyways, we’re outta here.

[ **Montagues** exit]

**Benny:** Mornin’, cuz.

**Romeo:** Is it really still morning?

**Benny:** It’s like nine, dude.

**Romeo:** Oh. I guess it just feels a lot longer because I’m so sad. Was that my dad?

**Benny:** Yeah, dude. Sooooo. What’s stretchin’ the hours?

**Romeo:** There’s this girl, and she’s not here to make them short.

**Benny:** You in love?

**Romeo:** Out.

**Benny:** Of . . . Love? Or . . . y’know, like food?

**Romeo:**  I mean, I love her, but she like . . . [Whimpers] Doesn’t love me back

**Benny:** Ah love. It’s good when you got it. But bad when you don’t.

**Romeo:** Are we gonna go to lunch? Ugh, I mean, to quote Panic! At the Disco, “If you're a lover, you should know, the lonely moments just get lonelier the longer you’re in love.”

Dude, are you laughing at me?

[ **Benny** giggles]

**Benny:** Nah dude, I’m . . . I’m cryin’ with you. See these are real tears down my face. Oh yeah.

**Romeo:** Really? [Leans Close]

**Benny:** Nah dude, get off me. [pushes him away violently]

**Romeo:** Tears, sure, but probably of laughter. Can’t you see I’m in pain here?? [Weeps pathetically]

**Benny:** So, who do ya like? It’s okay, you can tell me. I’m a bro [Nudges him with elbow]

[ **Romeo** gives **Benny** a hurt look]

**Romeo:** What, like I’m gonna tell you?

**Benny:** Why wouldn’t you tell me? I thought we were dudes!

**Romeo:** Ah, fine. She’s smokin’ ten out of ten would recommend.

**Benny:** You gonna hit that?

**Romeo:** She’s like super hot, and I totally wanna get with her, but like, she wants to die alone, apparently. Her bloodline’s gonna stop because she’s selfish.

**Benny:** So She’s gonna like, die a virgin?

**Romeo:** Yeah, she’s hugely wasting her life. Gosh, what’s she gonna like, do in her free time?

**Benny:** You gotta just forget my man.

**Romeo:** It’s not like I couldn’t get other chicks, but no one compares to her?

**Benny:** You gotta scope out other chicks, cuz. There are other fish in the sea. She’s not the finest chicken in the pen, you know what I mean? Come on, give these other hotties a chance.

**Romeo:** But none compare to her beauty! They’re like pigs, and she’s like the sun!

**Benny:** Those . . . aren’t even related.

**Romeo:** That how much she outdoes them! Her skin is like porcelain, and her beauty is like none I’ve ever seen! I can’t just forget a girl like that, Ben.

**Benny:**  Look at this poet over here. Why don’t you write a Shakespearean novel? Okay man, don’t worry.  _ I’ll  _ make you forget about her. Or die trying.

[Exeunt]

 

* * *

 

ACT I,2

 

[Enter **Mr. Capulet, Pears,** and **some other dude** ]

**Mr. Capulet:** Us old ‘uns gotta keep the peace. Even if, y’know, Montague’s a horse-faced fascist.

**Pears:** I get that you guys have been in this rivalry forever but [Inhales sharply through clenched teeth] can we get back to my proposal?

**Mr. Capulet:** Jules is like, only [counts on fingers] fourteen? [unsure] Thirteen? She’s too young for marriage! How about we wait a couple years, and, y’know, see what happens?

**Pears:** Well, there are some young brides out there. She’s definitely old enough. There are moms her age.

**Mr. Capulet:** I mean, It’s really early to marry her off. She’s my baby. But I’ll tell you this: I’m throwing this party, you’re invited. A lot of girls are gonna be there. Don’t be so heart-set on my Jules right now. But if she likes you, you’ll have my blessing. But she DEF has to like you. I’ve comprised an invitation list. Find these people and invite them, dawg.

[ **Mr. Capulet** and **Pears** exit]

**Other Dude [Broken English]:** I cannot read what is written here. I going to need assistance. I cannot ask Senior Capulet. I guess I’ll just suffer.

[Enter **Benny** and **Romeo** ]

**Benny:** You gotta get with another girl if you wanna forget this one.

**Romeo:** Your band-aids will be great for this

**Benny:** For what?

**Romeo:** For your jacked up shin [Kicks him]

**Benny:** Why, Romeo, why?! Why are you mad at me?

**Romeo:** I’m not mad at you, just mad crazy for her.

[Approaches them]

**Other Dude:** Excuse moi, Seniors, can you read this?

**Romeo:** Who me? Maybe.

**Other Dude:** Maybe you’ve learned without books?

**Romeo:** If I know the language, I probably can.

**Other Dude:** Oh, well, thanks anyway.

**Romeo:** No, dude, come back. I can read.

_ Signoir Mart and fam, _

_ Count Ans and sisters, _

_ The lady widow of Vitruvio, _

_ Signoir Placenta and his lovely nieces, _

_ Merc and Val, _

_ Uncle Capulet and fam, _

_ Beautiful Rosie and Liv, _

_ Signoir Valentino and Tibbles, _

_ Luc and Helena _

So what’s the special occasion. Where is it?

**Other Dude:** Up.

**Romeo:** To where?

**Other Dude:** To my house, obviously.

**Romeo:** Whose house?

**Other Dude:** My boss’

**Romeo:** Give me a GODDAMN NAME.

**Other Dude:** Oh, sure, It’s Capulet. And if you’re not a montague, come to party! Well thanks, I’ve got to going.

**Benny:** Oooh a Capulet party? Oh and guess who’s gonna be there? Your pretty Rosie! As well as a bunch of other girls who can make your Rose look like a weed.

**Romeo:** I can’t believe anyone could be prettier than she is, but like, whatever. I’ll go anyway.

**Benny:** Don’t be too sure about that, my dude. There’s a lot of ladies out there. Bound to be one heckin gr8er than the others.

[Exeunt]

 

* * *

 

ACT I, 3

 

[Enter **Mrs. Capulet** and **Angie (Nurse)** ]

**Mrs. Capulet:** Angie, where is my daughter

**Angie:** Calm your tits, babe. I swear on my virginity at twelve years old, that I will get her Down here. YO JULES, GET YER ASS DOWN HERE!

**Jules [From the other room]:** WHAT?

**Mrs Capulet:** . . .

**Angie:** . . .

**Jules [From other room]:** WHAAAAT?

**Mrs Capulet:** . . .

**Angie:** . . .

**Jules [From other room]:** Do I REALLY HAVE TO COME DOWN THERE?

[Footsteps stomping down the stairs]

**Jules:** What,  _ Mother? _

**Mrs. Capulet:** I don’t appreciate this tone, Jules.

**Jules:** I don’t appreciate you calling me from my room,  _ mom. _

**Mrs. Capulet:** Alright, Angie. I’d like to have a word with my daughter

[ **Angie** begins to leave, but **Mrs. Capulet** has no words to say.]

Oh shucks, wait, Can you actually stay?

**Angie:** Sure, why not? I’ve got time, I guess.

**Mrs. Capulet [Aside to Angie]:** How old is Jules?

**Angie:** I think you can count her age on a clock, right?

**Mrs. Capulet:** Nah, Isn’t she like, fourteen?

**Angie:** I’ll meet ya halfway. How about thirteen?

**Jules:** I can hear you guys, y’know. You can ask me. I’m thirteen, bee tee dubbs.

**Angie:** Oh man, like, what was it, eleven years ago? I remember putting woodworm on my boob. I’m not kinky or anything, I just wanted ya to stop biting ma tits. So when I put it on, and you tasted it, you were all like UGH GROSS, DUDE. And you spit me out. Oh, that reminds me of another story. When you were just a wee little thing,  It was when my husband was alive. (Such a sad day when he died.) You were running around wild, and all the sudden you just whacked your face on the floor. Bump the size of a goose egg, I swear. My husband came and picked you up off the ground. He said something like “So small, falling on your face all the time. Soon when you’re older, you’ll be falling on your back for those guys.”  And you, cute little thing, just stopped crying, giggled, and said “Yeah!” For as long as I live, I’ll never forget that. It was the most hilarious thing I’ve ever experienced.

**Mrs. Capulet:** ANYWAYS, We have to talk about something, Jules.

**Angie:** I can’t help but laugh. It was just the darnedest thing!

**Mrs. Capulet:** In any case, Jules, what do you think about marriage? I know you’re very young but . . . surely you’ve thought of it?

**Jules:** Marriage?? Seriously?? I don’t really . . . I mean, sometimes, but . . . What’s your point?

**Mrs. Capulet:** What do you think about . . . Getting married now? I mean, there are a lot of people younger than you with  _ kids _ even.

**Angie:** Have you met Pears? He’s a man made of wax. Well, not all of him ;).

**Mrs. Capulet:** He’s  _ definitely _ good looking. Soooooooo Whatdoyouthink? Think you wanna marry him???

[ **Jules** Shrugs]

Okay, so, he’s gonna be at this party. You’re gonna meet him there, Really decide if you wanna be with him. You’re no less for not liking him, don’t worry.

**Angie:** No less? Way bigger. Men make women grow.

**Mrs. Capulet:** So can you give Pears a chance?

[ **Jules** shrugs]

**Jules:** Sure thing, my dude.

**Mrs. Capulet:** Cool beans.

**Other other dude:** Yo, the party’s in less than an hour, what are you doing back here? Get ready?

**Mrs. Capulet:** Oh heckin’ dang, we gotta skedoodle.

[Exeunt]

 

* * *

 

ACT I, 4

 

[Enter **Romeo, Merc, Benny,** and **basically the whole marching band plus color guard with flashlights** ]

**Romeo:** Are we planning to crash their party, or do we like, have an invitation?

**Benny:** We’re just gonna crash the party. We got fancy, my dude.

**Romeo:** I don’t really feel like dancing, so I guess I’ll just hold a flashlight. 

**Merc [Dramatically]:** Oh fair Romeo, but you simply  _ must  _ dance!

**Romeo:** Oh believe me, I am  _ not  _ a dancer.

**Merc:** Oh yes, I forgot. Our young Romeo is a lover! But even lovers must dance!

**Romeo:** I’m too sore to soar.

**Merc:** Nonsense!

**Romeo:** Love is dangerous, like thorns.

**Merc:** The most beautiful flowers have thorns. If love’s gonna be rough with you, be rough with it! Don’t let love beat you up! Show it who’s boss! Kick it’s metaphorical ass!

**Benny:** Dudes, we’re gonna be late. SK8 FAST AND EAT ASS!!

**Romeo:** Nah, I’m good just holding the flashlight.

**Merc:** How can one be satisfied holding only a flashlight when you could be holding a maiden. A chick, a girlie, a bow-chicka-wow-wow [Makes curves with hands]

**Romeo:** Idk Bro, I don’t think this is a good idea. 

**Merc:** Hwhy, my dude?

**Romeo:** I had a dream last night.

**Merc:** Myeh, so did I

**Romeo:** I’m intrigued. What did  _ you _ dream about?

**Merc:** Dreamers don’t usually tell the truth.

**Romeo:** Dreams  _ are _ the truth to them.

**Merc:** Damn, Romeo, Never seen this poetic side of you before. Sounds like you’re in a shakespearean play.

**Benny:** Diggin’ deep today, my dude.

**Merc:** Sounds like Queen Mab has been with you, my man. She’s a fairy and not a gay. Just to clarify. She’s no bigger than a pebble, with gang of atomi. Her wagon spokes are made of daddy long legs, her harness is made of spider web. She has a gnat as a driver. Her chariot is an empty hazelnut. She rides through the night through lovers brains and makes them dream of love. Or lawyers fingers makes them dream of money. Or over girls lips and makes them dream of smooching. Depending on where she pokes you while you sleep your dreams will differ. The dang hag never gives me sweet dreams. She's got it out for me I swear to you.

**Romeo:** Wow, dude calm yourself. What are you even talking about?

**Merc:** DREAMS, dude. Dreams are useless. They're for children. Stupid fantasies. Everybody is giving false hope to lost dreams.

**Benny:** The only lost dream I have is gettin’ to this party on time. We missed the food, there's barely any reason to go anymore at all.

**Romeo:** No guys I really have a bad feeling about this. I can feel it in my soullllll.

[Exeunt]

 

* * *

 

ACT I, 5

 

[A few **waiters** ]

**Pete:**  Where's Potpan he's supposed to help me with the dishes. He can't just keep moving them around; If you're gonna do that, you need to clean them.

**1st Dyde:** When only two of us are chill, and  _ not even ice chill,  _ it’s just kinda sucky

**Pete:** CLEAN THIS ROOM UP! 

[Aside to **1st Dyde** ] Save me some Marzipan

Yo, be a dude and let in Sus G. and Nell. Ant and Potpan.

**2nd Dyde:** Yeah Boii, [with oomph] Prepared! 

**Pete:** They’re searchin’ for ya

**1st Dyde:** We ant be in two places at once, yo!

**Pete:** It’s can’t

**1st Dyde:** WHATEVER! HURRY UP!! The last to die wins

[Exeunt  **Pete** and  **Dydes** ]

[Enter  **Mr. Capulet** with  **Cuz, Tibbles, Mrs. Capulet, Jules** , and  **others** , meeting  **Romeo, Benny, Merc,** and other  **guests** and  **maskers** ]

**Mr. Capulet:** Welcome gents! All the girlies who don’t have bunions on their toes are up to get down! 

[Serious] And those of you who are sitting down, just know, we are looking at you and judging you.

[Jovial again] Anyway, back in ‘Nam, I could get a lady into my bed like [snaps fingers] that. But alas! Times have changed! Welcome Gents! Arteest! Play the music! Let’s get down and groovy!!

[Aside to **Dydes** ] Make room! We need to move these tables and shiz, people can’t dance in a place like this! Lights! Tables! Put the fire out it’s too hot in here! Cuz I’m here. 

[Aside to **cousin** ] My dude, my bro, broski, broskini, brotein shake, theodore broosevelt, brotato chip--

**Cousin:** Dude stop.

**Mr. Capulet:** Alright, alright, but tell me: How long has it been since we got up and got down? But ugh, my knees. Ever since ‘Nam, man. [Whisper] Ever since ‘Nam.

**Cousin:** Must’ve been thirty years. . .

**Mr. Capulet:** Nah, you gotta be joking. You joshing me? Are you for cereal right now? I don’t like to be joshed with! It was like. . . Luc’s wedding! U ‘member bro? I’d say more like, twenty five, but whatevs. Nothing’s slowing me down.

**Cousin:** Nah man, It’s been way longer. Luc’s son is like. . . thirty now.

**Mr. Capulet:** Nah, don’t tell me that. His son was fairly angsty teen just a couple years ago.

**Romeo:** [To **3rd Dyde** ] Aw man, who’s that Girl over there?

**3rd Dyde:** I dunno, why don’t you ask?

**Romeo:** Ughhhhhh do I have tooo?  Oh, she shows the torches how to burn bright! She stands out against the darkness like a jeweled earring hanging against the cheek of an African. Her beauty is too good for this world; she’s too beautiful to die and be buried. She outshines the other women like a white dove in the middle of a flock of crows.

**3rd Dyde:** Oh yeah, I think her name’s. . . Stacy!

**Romeo:** STACY!! Have I ever loved before this moment??!! I’ve never laid eyes upon someone as beautiful!

[He gets up and approaches  **Stacy,** but pauses, and sees Jules from across the room.]   
**Romeo:** Heckin’ dang!! dude, I don’t have enough poetry for this, but Benny was right when he said my Rose was a weed. I must learn  _ her  _ name now. WHO IS THIS BEAUTIFUL MAIDEN!? WHAT IS LOVE IF IT IS NOT THIS???!!! SHE’S. . . SHE’S SO PRETTY!! What should I do, should I talk to her? OMG I can’t just go up to her and talk to her, what would I even say oh my gosh I’m gonna die. Should I say Hi? Can’t say Hi! Should I say Hello? No! Hello?? That’s too formal! Should I start with finger guns? Who starts with finger guns?? Should I end with finger guns? WHO ENDS WITH FINGER GUNS?? Should I even do finger guns? I like finger guns, but who does FINGERGUNS??? How would she even react to fingerguns!!??

**3rd Dyde:** Dude, you’re shaking in the corner about whether or not to use fingerguns! Just go talk to her!

**Romeo:** [teary eyed] I caaaaaan’t

**Tibbles:** Is that a whiny bitch I hear? Must be a montague! Fetch me mah sword! He thinks he can crash  _ my party??  _ He wants to be a party crasher, I’ll have to be a party SMASHER!

**Mr. Capulet:** Dude, what’s the commotion? Why you got your knickers in a bunch? Who crapped in your cornflakes? What--

**Tibbles:** Nah, Uncie, listen: There is a Montague here. YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, STOP THE PARTY RIGHT NOW! HE THINKS HE CAN COME UP HERE AND PARTY BECAUSE. . . BECAUSE. . . BECAUSE. . . UM. . . YEAH!

**Mr. Capulet:** Wait, you mean Romeo?

**Tibbles:** YEAH, I MEAN ROH-MEE-OH, IF THAT EVEN IS HIS REAL NAME!

**Mr. Capulet:** Calm down, chill out, hold your horses, slow your roll, calm your tits, chillax, leave him alone. He’s a good kid, m’kay? I know you don’t like him, but he hasn’t caused any trouble. Just ignore him, like you do the laundry and we’ll be okay. [Passive aggression] We don’t want to cause a scene and ruin my party do we? [Leans in] I wanna look good in front of my family, Tibbles, just this once. JUST THIS ONCE! Can you do that for me? HUH TIBBLES?

**Tibbles:** NO, NOT JUST THIS ONCE, HE NEEDS TO GO DOWN! I CAN’T EVEN BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS HIM!

**Mr. Capulet:** Well you will. You  _ will _ be in the same room as him because he isn’t going anywhere and neither are you. Now go enjoy the party before you start a riot. Or else I’ll have to put you in time out.

**Tibbles:** [Angry silence] FINE! I’ll go enjoy the party, but NOT BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO! 

[Music plays and the guests dance]

[To himself] Romeo is harshin’ my mellow, man.

[Exeunt **Tybalt** ]

[ **Romeo** Gathers the courage to approach **Jules** ]

**Romeo:** Y-yo, Is it okay if I like. . . Hold your hand? Smooching on the way [finger guns] if you want to 

[To himself] Finger guns, dammit.

**Jules:** I mean, yeah, you can hold my hand, but maybe just touch palms rather than lips. [awkward pause] [fingerguns]

[press palms together]

**Romeo:** [Awkwardly] I mean. . . We do have lips. . . Might as well use em. Don’t want them going to waste, now do we?

**Jules:** Yes, we have lips. . . but. . . we could like. . . talk maybe?

**Romeo:** Save the talkin’ for the puppets and let lips do what hands do. [He kisses her]

[High pitched] That was pretty-- [clears throat] [normal voice] That was pretty cool. C-cleansing

**Jules:** Well now you gotta return the favor and cleanse me.

**Romeo:** [Awkward silence] I’m down.

[They kiss again]

**Jules:** So. .  . You been practising?

**Angie:** Yo, mommy’s callin’

[ **Jules** leaves]

**Romeo:** So who’s her mommy? [A beat] Mother, who is her mother? Mom. . . Mum. . . Mum’s the word. . .

**Angie:** Her mom’s the head honcho dude. I nursed her daughter.

[Awkward eye contact for a little too long]

**Romeo:** [To himself] Oh man! She’s a Capulet? What a twisted turn of fate! Only the gods could have seen this! My love in the hands of my enemy!

**Benny:** Let’s scram, fam! Things are happen-IN and we are happen-OUT!

**Romeo:** I’m balls-deep in a squealing pig!

**Mr. Capulet:** Don’t go, we’ve got dessert on the way! The sweets! The goods!

**Benny:** We gotta go, bro

**Marching band dude:** Did you say go pro?

**Benny:**  Nah, I said go, bro.

[ **Romeo** appears to be crying]

Oh my gosh. Let’s get this crybaby home.

[Everyone but  **Jules** and  **Angie** begin to exit]

**Jules:** Ay yo nurse! My dude! Can you like. . . tell me who those peeps are?

**Angie:** Son of old Tiberius, and the young one is that cute little Petroleum!

**Jules:** What about that one? He wasn’t really dancing, you know, The tall guy with the blue hair?

**Angie:** Oh, well, I dunno

**Jules:** Could you maybe go ask??

[ **Angie** leaves] I would literally die if he was married.  _ Literally. _

**Angie:** [Returning] That guy’s Romeo. Be tee dubbs, he’s a Montague, so, stay away from him.

**Jules:** [To herself] My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, that I must love a loathèd enemy.

**Angie:** What are you blabbering on about?? Too much shakespeare, I knew I shouldn’t have let you into my movie cabinet!

**Jules:** Just picked it up, don’t worry about it.

[A voice calls for **Jules** ]

**Angie:** Aight, nothing to see here, everyone’s gone.

[Exeunt]

**Author's Note:**

> We hope you enjoyed this train wreck! Again, we don't know when the next one will be up, but hopefully it won't be too long.
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated!
> 
> Follow us on instagram @probably_an_idiot and @cippie.cup
> 
> Thanks again for reading!
> 
> Sk8 Fast And Eat Ass!


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